F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Once in a while, right in the middle of our life – universe gives us that person who knows you in and out and will stand by you irrespective of any damn thing.

A person who would listen to you for hours and hours irrespective of your rantings or venting out for anything and everything.

A person who would never judge you for whoever you are

A person who will guide you when you don’t seem to find the way

A person who would go to extreme lengths irrespective of what they are for you

A person who would push you to be the best version of yourself at every step of your life

A person who would fight the world for you

A person who would also talk sense into you when you go wrong

A person who would get you back on track when you wander somewhere you shouldn’t be

A person who would never ever turn their backs on you in fact they would always have your back at all times

A person who would never ask you to change (except for bad habits)

A person who would make you laugh at all times with their antics irrespective of how foolish they would look

A person who would hold your hand in troubled times and still make you laugh

A person for whom your happiness and sadness will be exactly the same as their own

A person who will look beyond your imperfections and love you the way you are

A person who would be your worst critic and best well wisher always

A person of your own – and even if it’s the only person you have – you my reader are blessed with the best of them that they call – FRIEND!

…

We all have them, don’t we?

LOVE & LIGHT TO ALL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHAT YOU GIVE POWER, HAS POWER OVER YOU!

In the times we are living today, all of us have (and are surrounded with) opinions about everything and anything!

The fact that anyone and everyone is welcome to voice out their views, opinions, experiences is a great revolution and an amazing change in the times of 2020!

As long as it’s on contemporary, political, economic issues etc. – opinions are welcome and these days any topic is pretty debatable and quite constructive as well.

But when it comes as one’s opinions on an individual – behavior, character, background, class, color etc. – it takes a different angle altogether and why not?

To be honest, I have witnessed how such judge mental views can hamper anyone be it you or me for that matter specially when the individual is hardly known to the specific person.

It affects in a way – that sometimes people lose their qualities just because they are judged by people i.e. society!

Sometimes people give up the things that make them unique just because “society” judged/didn’t find them worthy enough.

And sometimes, people end up giving up their existence because they are so affected by the society – societal norms and pressure!

They succumbed not because they were weak – but just because those people had a heart to understand the “so called societal norms”.

But tell me something what if we ask some questions to ourselves rather than being affected by all of that – (answer lies within us)

Why are we so affected by people being judgmental of us?

Why do we let it affect us so bad that either we self-doubt ourselves or retaliate?

Why do we give someone that much power over us to dictate us? Overrule us?

Why do we have to give such people that much of importance?

Why does someone else has that authority to tell us how we are and how we aren’t?

Why are such people are even being heard at the first place?

 I mean I’m a person who loves herself. No matter what – the situation turns out to be I have the audacity to love myself even in my bad phases (trust me on that – they have been never ending for quite some time now) I don’t let anyone have that power on me to demean me – judge me – belittle me!

 

Who are they to do that to us?

Aren’t we capable enough to understand ourselves what’s good for us and what’s not?

Aren’t we mindful enough to process only the positivity and not the negativity?

Aren’t we educated enough to know that we don’t need these kinds of validations from anyone – mind you anyone but ourselves or the people who are our own!?

Why to give such beautiful powers to people who aren’t worth even a dime?

 

They say, what you give power – has power over you!

 

THINK – why to give that power to someone who isn’t worth even a dime forget anything else!

In this beautiful life – if we don’t negate these kinds, what are we actually focusing on?

 

Breathe Positivity – Exhale Negativity!

Love & Light To All!

IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A TURMOIL ; THERE IS A DIVINE PLAN BEHIND IT!

 

To be honest, all of us have a life which is exactly like a roller coaster ride.

Believe it or not, it works the exact same way – let’s just replace fear with a little low days and excitement with happy times. (fear and excitement which are the emotions we actually feel in a roller coaster ride)

It is just the same way you know – the same way it goes up and down and it’s a continuous process which keeps happening till the time our heart is beating.

And in that, life just happens to all of us – what we make of it is all up to us.

You see, it’s a gift – and that gift should be used or to just leave it as it is – is something which is totally in our hands.

They say, hard times are the worst to overcome and I am sure it is (having first hand experience on the same – can vouch for it) but but but – I made sure of one thing in those times and i.e. to believe that there is a reason behind all this!

Yes, the mere belief that in the end everything falls into its place has got me where I am today. It’s not been easy but it’s been worth it and the fact that this belief has made me into such a calmer – stronger – wiser human is something my people would know of!

So all of you who are reading this right now, understand this – specially when the hard time sets in, if you’re going through a turmoil – there is a DIVINE PLAN behind it!

You might not see it then, but eventually it all adds up to it and you know that it did and that my readers is the best feeling ever – to evolve in theses hard times with the belief that there is a divine plan behind this – makes each one of us STRONGER – WISER – CALMER and the BEST VERSION OF OURSELVES!

So hold on – keep going and never ever stop believing that all of this is happening for the best days which are yet to come!

 

Love & Light To ALL!

#untoldstories #idiottalk #writers #writersblock #writerscorner #thoughtsbecomesthings #musings #gratefuleveryday

 

LIVE IN THE MOMENT - BUT DO WE?

                                        

Right now, we are all in a middle of pandemic where nothing seems certain, with each day something new is coming up making it difficult for all of us to cope with what we have and to prepare for the uncertainty - the times we are living in.

But honestly, we are going through something which you could say is darkness till now – and it’s often said that after darkness – light follows. I know it’s too cliché but its true as well. If you ponder on the little things in your life that has made even a tiniest bit impression of positivity – you have your light within you! In fact, we all have so much to be grateful for – to look forward to – to do things we never did simply because we were hustling between so much to do!

This is the time (as it already has hit pause) to focus on those things we never could do – we never thought we would find the time to do!

You know it’s like always struggling to find that time to do things that give you immense happiness (apart from your daily hustle bustle) and never able to do so. But then, the universe does work in our way I guess – this is a brilliant time to work on yourself – to find yourself – and to do things you love the most without any questions asked!

All of us before knowing what 2020 will hit us with, had so many plans to do and it all came crashing down when we were all confined within the four walls (or whatever number of walls you have :p)

For starters, it was okay because we were still grasping and processing whatever was happening around us and then came a time where we were left wondering of how life would be post pandemic.

We thought all of that, but did not wonder if we could make the most of this time. They say – LIVE IN THE MOMENT – but do we?

In times like these, where efficient people are doing their best for all of us to come out of this crisis quickly and happily – the least we could is to believe in the power of “everything happens for a reason” – it won’t make sense now – but it definitely will eventually.

I know it’s easier said than done, but I really believe – whatever situation we all are in, it is what it is – the only power we have is to either sail through this time happily with a lot more positivity for anything and everything or just sulk about it – make it more worse than it is. It’s really upto US you know!

With that - let’s just re-find ourselves a little more, love a little more, be kind a little more and just be thankful a little more always and forever!

Time Heals Everything - NOT!

The fact that losing someone is one of the biggest pain - is WRONG. The biggest is when you have to live without them. They say, never grieve the gone because they will be around in this life and in others to come in any form and the soul always recognizes

. 

What if in this lifetime it’s not as easy it seems!?

Losing someone close isn’t easy. It’s like you won’t see the person anymore around you. You won’t be able to reach out to the person when you feel like. That void – will always be there.

They say, Time heals everything. Does it?

I beg to differ from this – it heals nothing. In fact, we just learn or should I say get habituated to live with the VOID.

The VOID – almost kills you from within and you never know if you will be ever okay again, because some places are irreplaceable.

But as they say – show must go on! All of us, try our best to not let the VOID reflect in our life but tell me honestly – at the end of the day – it still comes back right?

TWO YEARS LATER...

It’s been a long time, almost 2 years that I have resumed penning down again. I remember when I had just started doing this, way before when a blogger meant being on Instagram and YouTube!

 It’s the digital age today, and looking at so much talent in my current and upcoming generation has not only given me immense inspiration to start writing again but also re-find myself.

 I remember always wanting to return to blogging but something or the other kept me away. My life has changed 360 for the good of course because nothing really bad happens until you make it in your mind! (a firm believer in everything happens for a reason)

 Oh well, reading my first three paragraphs is giving me the feeling that this post will have disrupting thinking which is what happens when you don’t do what you love the most!

 Well, now that the pandemic (which the world is going through) has given some good time off from work (basically no commute time now all thanks to WFH) I think I’m going to get better than before!

 So yes! Welcoming myself back to the thing I loved the most!

 Now that I am 200 words down out of almost how many I don’t know yet because I don’t want to stop now, I’m finally picking up how I used to love this, but yes with time a lot of improvisation has come in me as a person!

Okay, there we go again – so distorted it is that I’m talking about two things at one go completely off track and annoying you as well. Right?

 But this is how my brain right now is. Want to write everything now with every tiny detail yet remembering something or the other and wanting to mention that too!

 Phew! Its going to be fun yet tiring because we all know how the human brain is specially mine always yapping away no moment of silence whatsoever! Hehe!

 Oh, one interesting fact though, as we see the bloggers today – dashing their way through posts on blogpost to Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and other platforms – letting the world know about their profound talent (which is how it should be) I on the other hand was/is a little not too sure about this. I mean when I first started writing and blogging here, I blogged as an anonymous person. 

Why? No not because I’m scared of revealing my identity or inferior or superior complex but only because I liked the fact you write like a anonymous person and when your posts motivates or inspires or make someone smile or touch a chord with any of readers stopping at your blog – that person shouldn’t just start finding me on the social media but just feel good on what they read about one of the blogs and feel good without knowing who the person is or what it is!

Sometimes, not knowing where it came from – is a good thing you know! I mean when I started this, I made sure I was an anonymous and loved the readers, bloggers I engaged with in the process because those people had insights of their own and very unbiased, they would write to me vice versa. I mean to be honest, till date only 3 of my very close people know about this blog. Rest, I never flaunted it way back then and I never will do it today.

I mean getting followers, traffic reach on one’s blog is so needed today (of course for people who do this for a living) but for me I do this because I love writing. I want to be the anonymous one and just yap yap and yap away as always and come across that anonymous blogger who touches a chord with someone or the other (to help someone in their dilemma only through writing about things I have encountered so far) and that gives me immense happiness.

I mean the mere fact that I was always excited to log in to my blog to check about who I am going to strike a good communication through my posts or theirs used to make me happy and excited! The fact that you meet people through this way too and in the most humble and amazing manner (expressions of words). So yes! I am back to do it again and this time I shall not stop no matter what! 😊

Btw, does my writing sound a little better? Hehe!

Told you, will get the hang of it again as soon as I let my fingers and brain do the talking and not control them! 

P.S. Idiot Talk is resuming soon! :) 

Its TIME!

Its been a long time since I have poured my heart out here…a lot has happened all this while.. and when I say a lot..it is A LOT!

I had given up writing because I couldn’t think straight, but here I am trying to de-clutter my brain once again by doing the best thing I do… and that’s this!

 WRITING……

Expressing comes easy to me but only in written form..I suck at expressing verbally.

Anyway, the point of writing this today is because all this while I could talk a lot of positivity in me through various ways be it quotes or songs or finding little happiness in little things..

And now I can’t… I just can’t..

I don’t talk much to people because I don’t know what to say, if it’s the right person to say things to or not… the thing is I feel suffocated now..

I don’t know who to tell things to without that person judging me...and no doubt I have the best family who has my back always but I just feel If I tell them how I am, what I feel..they will only be troubled more…

The thing is..

I have had my share of tears & emptiness,

I have had my share of compromises & sacrifices…

I have transformed from a spoilt brat to a person who does everything today but I still am at the losing end. As I pen down my thoughts here, there’s another tear trickling down my cheek. 

I know everyone has struggles but honestly I can’t take it anymore. 

                                                                                               To be continued....

A Special Blessing.. .

My life took a turn when I entered the last step of my life as you know with all the major shuffling happening in my life since then.. There was one special blessing which i was blessed with which obviously I was unaware of until NOW...

Okay I don’t know where to start from...  whenever I picture you... Just a thought about you brings a smile on my face and also that demented laugh of urs: P so you know what you are to me:P... (p.s. love that smile you’re having now while reading this..

It’s quite funny actually how we never even acknowledged each other irrespective of being in the same class and having exactly the same opinion about each other (which was wrong ok! :P) I mean if I go back to that day 2 years back..It’s so hilarious what we were and what we have turned out to be... :P and let me tell you this today that no regrets J what happened had to happen to make our bond strong and it did indeed..

 

Today I can’t imagine my life without you.. i mean you are one piece of my life if I lose it my life would be a complete maze.. You are a piece that god designed to fit in my puzzle (life) and only mine mind you: P.. (you know what i mean :P)

I never knew I would actually have someone so close to me after a very long time... I never thought that place in my life can be taken by someone else again... I never thought someone would understand me that well again... I was living my life closing that part of me and never revealing that to anyone.. But you came along.. (My little angel) and just as angels make everything perfect.. You did the same.. Yes SUD you really did that!  I know I have never said all this or hey wait maybe I have :P but I bet you don’t remember them as clearly as I am saying it today :P (and we both know the reason WHY! :P)

Anyway, moving on who knew we would turn out to be this way one day: P but we did and am glad this happened... i am thankful to that wonderful (9^th October 2011) night which has made us what we are today together  (touchwood)!! 

I don’t know about you but bhagwanji really blessed me when he gave me you in my life.. my bestest friend all I wanna say is and i know you know this..my favourite line to you .. “mere dil ki yeh dua hai kahin durr tu na jaaye..tere bina ho jeena woh din kabhi naa aaye”  :) :) 

And yeah right now you must be soooo pissed with me because its your birthday and I haven’t wished :P but it’s okay because after reading this i don’t think you’ll be pissed.. :) 

You’re the bestest friend anyone could ever have! You put sense into me when I go completely insane (which happens most of the time :P) and jab tak i don’t hear “kumar please don’t do drama ok” from you i really don’t get back to my senses :P .. You’ve supported me every time and everywhere...at times am also at fault and knowing that also you support me in front of others..woh alag baat hai baad mein meri class lagati ho :P and to be honest i love that! that cutest tone of urs when I apologise and you say with full on attitude “yea its ok” :P deep inside you are smiling but bina attitude ke do u ever do anything? :P but you are one person I have no objections when you give me attitude...because I love yooouuuu soooo muuchhh... and you already know what I can do for you... and excuse me mere bas ki sab kuch hai ok :P (and I proved it that day :P) ..  you’re my strength..and my teacher as well :P you know what you’ve taught me ok :P and my support system irrespective of the fact that am right or wrong.. One thing am sure of is no matter what happens you’ll always be on my side and I know u will ..you don’t show it but I know it :P aaand jitna u cover up naa your feelings and everything with your attitude...I know it all ok! and you also know that :P ..

Okay I have never said this but yeah I really admire you for your undying understanding nature.. I mean seriously Sud.. even am not that understanding and maybe after having you in my life I have become more understanding towards people..circumstances..life.. but seriously hats off to your UNDYING UNDERSTANDING NATURE MY GUNDII :P .. hahah you really thought ill miss this here? :P

Am just going through all our pictures..videos.. oh my god sud what a drama we r! But the best moments of our lives ever... oh wait a better way to say it.... time spent with you is always..... LEGEND---wait-for-it----DARY! :P  now please don’t give me that expression of “uff ankita” :P because you knew this had to come :P

And I also remember our fights :P which I don’t think has ever affected our bond in anyway.. no matter how many arguments we may have..I have seen one thing in us.. it doesn’t really effect our bond in anyway.. because we know whatever happens we stay united and thats what makes our bond special...

Thanking Amity only for one sole reason and that is YOU... 

GARIMA SUD  = a gem of a person..an angel for me who is sooo pure at heart..straightforward and would never intentionally hurt a soul, selfless (yup u are.. i proved u that day :P) and hey also mental! (cant forget your demented wali laugh :P and i do it so nice baby :P ) a complete idiot ... arrogant bitch! :P yeah u read that right... :P aaaand a full on drama house :P .. but a friend everyone must have!

 Sticking through the toughest times and dancing in my happiness is what is called a true friend and that is what YOU ARE!

Cant ever forget that unconditional support from you...that belief when I had lost every inch of hope it was only you who kept saying all will be fine.. Knowing everything which wasn’t in favour still giving me blind hope...  aand in the end you won darling..even bhagwanji had to listen naaa...because he also knows what a pure soul you are! Love you all the more for everything SUD!

 And oye.. ill always be with you forever n ever..and can do anything for you my bitch :P J and please not that dialogue again ok :P

Love you lots baby! May god bless you with everything you wish for! 

If I believe in friendship today... its only because of you girl! Thank you for being with me and giving me the best gift of my life... OUR FRIENDSHIP...CHEERS!

 
 

From the bottom of my Broken Heart!

With the year 2011 almost ending now...alot of chapters of my life have come to an end as well or so I believe... 2011 brought me tears of joy and sorrows as well...And sorrows that I could never even imagine in my life..

The biggest of the biggest changes happened within fraction of seconds without even letting me adjust to the current state I was in... Is really life like that? Or am I just getting punished for nothing?

Well really...Can’t answer that! No one knows except someone who is happily watching from above... Enjoying what life’s doing to me!

When this year began, I actually had no idea how it would change.. And it changed for better...Brought me happiness...the best I could get! But as every good thing has to end... this also did!! Left me in the grave!!

Agar yehi hona tha toh why the hell did it even happen? I kept thinking destiny is really amazing...Playing its part...giving me everything I want! Suddenly a volcano erupts and what happens? Huh! Gives something...and takes back as soon as it can have that back!

If this is what is life’s nature.. Honestly I don’t want it! I don’t want this life! It’s better to go than to just be played by destiny or life! Oh whatever!

Never thought would say all this for this year in particular because no doubt it has given me biggest happiness of my life...I’ll always cherish them deep in my heart..Because it happened! But why does it have to end and that to without any fault of mine? Thought this would be the best year of my life..changing my life forever for the best.. but whatever! have nothing to say on it!!!

Some times I feel maybe am seriously so imperfect so complicated that happiness just comes to me...Knocks on my doorstep and just as I open the door it goes away! Vanishes! As if it wasn’t ever there! As if it knocked on the wrong door!

6 days to go for the new year...new hopes...new dreams... And all i am left is with scars and wounds that would never heal!
Yeah i know time heals everything phenomenon but really does it? Do you forget the ones who are dead...who aren’t there in your life anymore... no right? Somewhere or the other they are still with you... you miss them...their absence affects you... but that part of you will never accept that you miss them and you are still hurt!

Yeah our helplessness leads us to this..and to console ourselves we say time will heal these wounds and stuff! But does it really? Don’t you miss what once was yours? And now it’s taken back from you by destiny or god or life just because they wanted it back! Oh Whatever! And after all this they say... you got to move on! Life goes on! Bullshit!

Yeah that’s how life works everyone says... but what’s life nature anyway? Why can’t people just live happily with what they love best! Why is it taken away from them? Why? And why people who are innocent always suffer? Why when you love something with your everything...decides to leave you just because it wants to!!

This year taught me so much that I don’t even have the eagerness to welcome the new year again! Same story will be repeated again!

Everything’s dead inside me now...

Clueless...

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged! Yeaah have been busy..Really busy!! And lots of stuff has been happening in my life...something good something bad.. Well can i really term them as that? Because only god knows if it’s good or bad for me... m just a victim of these stupid emotions!! Umm well I am sounding weird am I not? Well let’s be honest.. I have become little weird... Really complicated... I mean the more I want life to be simple the more complicated it gets! And now it’s getting on my nerves!! It’s getting hard to cope up everyday.. Every time i make myself understand and get little adjusted to it...Something or the other would come up and rock my little invisible world like hell! I mean i know everyone goes through all this stuff and everyone has various ways to handle it! But now am certainly not able to handle anything! It’s getting worse..And am losing it all! On the little brighter side... Life’s great after the major shuffling... all seems good (well who can really say about the next 2 years) so right now it’s good.. And as it is god always keeps testing me god knows why with his little tests or maybe big ones which i don’t realise at times! Sometimes I feel I handle things well and sometimes i just mess it up which isn’t expected of me! But why? Can’t i mess up sometimes? Can’t someone just take my bullshit for nothing? I mean every person, every relation I know of on this planet earth has an expiry date? I mean come on!!! I don’t know what am blabbering about...You see that’s what it does to you when you don’t blog enough!!!! Arggh! M messed up completely...isn’t it? But then i have always been messed up! (Now am contradicting myself but then i clear my mess also...I make everything right) but this time its way beyond my control! Can’t reach there! Can’t solve the confusing puzzle god has given me in this test!! But then eventually maybe ill do it but that also depends on the one and only.. **God** Yeah am a firm believer in him... and in destiny! That’s why my questions are still unanswered! And that’s what drives me crazy when something happens out of order and Then eventually i adjust to it..And then what? Boom! That thing vanishes itself!! And am left hurt all over again!! And what now? Am clueless once again. I know life does that to everyone... but then I really think am being the one whose case is been taken all the amazing time god has to put me through hell... Just when am happy in my paradise..(Well i call it because even if am sad here...it is still my paradise where once upon a time i was happy...so... lil complicated eh? Well told you...Am complicated now) just when am sure of a life I would have... Damn! There goes god’s wand again and am back to level 0! I mean is that fair??? Yeah life’s not fair! But it isn’t that unfair!! Am just too complicated to be understood anymore.. There’s one part of me making me understand things in a practical way...and one which just wants what it wants! And for the first time I really can’t sort myself out... Maybe with time i would be able to... but then till when will I be able to console myself with this ridiculous thought of mine???

The Last Step..

(*Continued*)
19th July 2011

And so the dreaded week came and i was found to be... LOST! Yeah..the first week really gave me the feeling of being so lost.. was totally out of my senses..didnt know what to do..whom to speak..what to speak.. I know am mature enough to act in a way as I have stepped in the last stage but somehow it wasn’t going inside me and all my heart was asking “where the hell are you..get back home asap”. Anyway had to fight within myself as whatever it is I have to spend 2 years here now..so better get used to it and if am not fine adjusting to it well I really cant do anything about it rather than cribbing which I have developed as a habit of late!! (i know its bad )

Anyway moving on to the week..as you know the first week was dreadful and as i had expected the second week would be the same until god really smiled on me i suppose.. because whatever happens for a reason and i truly believe in it. So the second week was a shock to me when people actually started coming up to me for interaction it sort of felt nice but all the same I was missing my previous college friends..and stuff! So it was a bit difficult but then with the support of everyone I think I made a place there and since the second week its been good but I do have my horrible mood swings when i just want to run away to my old memories.. Haha! I remember once in class I started daydreaming about my previous college life and all i was imagining was they’ve managed to come here in my class and we all are having a gala time.. (and yeah that can never happen ) though the dream was superb until the lecturer snapped me out of my supposedly daydreaming and asked me a question i couldn’t relate to!!! But then I did escape that moment ofcourse with the help of my batchmates ..hehe.

Hmmm so after that life became monotonous..the same schedule and as nervous I was earlier I am still the same.. I’ll take time to adjust really.. other than that life’s goin on.. its keeping me practically on my toes and well that’s nice because at one point of time I wanted all of this and God just answered my wishes so i shouldn’t complain..and well hey I don’t okay! Its just that am speaking my heart out right.. actually not even that.. m blabbering!!! :D And even bhagwanji knows that am so good at that!! Though I know am taking a long time updating it but what do I do this new shuffling in my life has literally made my world upside down!! But its okay because I know how to make it fine and with my people around me I think I’ll be able to survive it. And if not well then Bhagwanji hai na tang karne ke liye.. hehe :D

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

As I woke up to a beautiful lazy morning doing my regular chores a phone call with a letter changed my daily routine into a chaotic day worrying about the the future like hell. I knew it will happen, this day had to come and I should have been prepared for it mentally but as you know me am not that type.. i wished for some more time before starting this..before my life will take its final step. But well the time had come to lift my legs for the final step of my life..

It was my admission letter for postgraduate degree and I had to join it the coming week. The final step of my learning life as after 2 years I would be somewhere I don’t know yet! The first thought that came to my mind was will I be able to do it once again? Because honestly I am a person who is all pessimistic (by now you all know that) and as pessimism works it grilled me to its worst. I started thinking if I can escape this if there’s one single reason I can hide myself from this but alas there wasn’t! Life moves on..!! And with no hope of escaping it I went forward for this step. I was happy but at the same time nervous, scared and sad (full of mixed emotions) nervous for the fact of a new thing in my life..how will it be..will I be able to do it? Scared for the fact that I know for one thing whatever mistakes I have committed in my life I’ve learnt alot from then..scared tht now is the stage where I shouldn’t commit a single mistake. And sad for the fact that I had to move on from one step to the other..abhi toh i started loving the life i had..was adjusting to it..improving it..and suddenly destiny is ready to give me my last and final step.. Normal people are happy to have a beginning..as a new chapter begins in their life but well am I really normal?? I so *doubt* it!!

In simple words.. Everything in me was messed up like hell!!!

Okay so now my loved ones (as i love to call them that) came in and did their best to support me...as I am a person who needs a push in almost everything. {Though my *someone special* disappeared somewhere and was nowhere to be seen unless the first day of my college began umm..guess m deviating from the topic..that’s another aspect to it but more on that later}

Hmm.. Well have been like that since I was born..Never really thought what freedom is without my loved ones. So with their support I started preparing myself for the coming week where I had to join.. and you know what? Am such a big coward (well yeah i am.. and am not ashamed to admit it) I feel scared of every damn thing.. All I want to do is run back home and return to my shell and hide as much as possible. Once again I had to start a fresh and final step of my life and the word *final* really gave me goosebumps!!

Finally the dreaded week came and I was found......*(to be continued)*

Crystal Clear...

There are times when one’s so confused about what to do in future..whether to leave everything..every hope or just give it a try once more..whether to start from the scratch or move on and believe that it happened for a reason. One moment of your life you’re absolutely sure what to do and the other you just sit back and wonder why and what the hell am I doing? They say always to think before you act..think before you speak.. but there are times when you just want to do it without thinking it may be out of excitement or trusting your own guts but you do it. And sometimes the results are good and sometimes well worse than ever!!! To be honest am a person who relies on my gut feeling or to say intuition on anything. What I think is what I do but at times I do commit mistakes and then repent the hard way. Sometimes nothing is crystal clear..but then is life really tht clear? Just when you know everythings perfect something or the other will come and ruin it and you’ll have to mend it even with no fault of yours.. or maybe even if you’re at fault its blowed out of proportion!

At times it happens whom you love the most is hurt by your actions..and even though you try to make it right it wont appear right to them anymore!! And thats right even..because at the first place you did hurt them didn’t you? Then why do you expect them to forget it and be normal with it..yes everyone does mistakes but you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes and not repeat in future..but as the *worst idiot* I consider myself sometimes I don’t learn from my mistakes..!! Sometimes my mind stops working (though it dsnt work itna zyada bhi but jitna karta i rely on it utna) and I really mess up things and then complain and pray to god to solve it! Rather than facing them myself I try to hide and escape it and think that this period will be over..what I don’t get is that till the time I don’t face it myself it wont get over!!! Well this post is just talk some sense into me when am wrong which is sometimes now (yes it has reduced to sometimes bcos i have grown a bit i think :P). Just a post to say SORRY to all my loved ones whom I’ve hurt unfortunately. Though this post had to to be posted little while ago but I got late as little shuffling has happened in my life which am not LIKING IT! More on that later... :)

Lost...

Why is it in life when we need someone to understand us most of the time people who are close to us and from whom we expect always fail to do that! Why is it when we need them the most they just turn their back to us and expect us to understand their point of view even then when they aren’t making any sense. Why cant they treat people the way they are being treated with same affection love and care! Why? Is it so hard to understand the person who always stood by you , no matter what you do! Then what is the difference between that special one and others!! Everyone has a special someone who they rely on for almost everything. We would definitely be there when they need us no matter how it is what it is...but when we need them they are never there. Why? Or is it that people like me prioritize “special someone” and they don’t! They keep us just where they keep everyone else! Or is it that am the only one whose insane to do all this and still get nothing in return?

At times i wonder maybe i am the one whose wrong..i only think and prioritize people who don’t deserve it and thats the reason i get nothing in return just tears! Maybe somethings wrong with me..have been thinking alot of negative things these days.. staying happy is something i have to pretend because honestly i am not what i was earlier. Its strange to see me this way for myself but what do i do? I keep quiet because am not the one whose going to burst into tears in front of everyone , not the one who would bluntly tell people if they hurt me or something. All my life i have been this quiet and calm and composed girl (though little bit of chatterbox u can consider me because if am in the mood and with my favourite people i can really go on n on n on) but nowadays it doesn’t seem like that. I am more into myself thinking all weird things that come in my mind..(basically they are all negative things) and then just be so dull and silent and not to forget i have turned CYNICAL!!

I would be positive and vibrant for people around me because they matter to me! And i would never want them perturbed because of my silly stupid problems and insecurities! But then what do i do? This thing in me isn’t going (the dull and cynical me i mean) and am turning more negative day by day. And when i want to share it with someone.. well that someone isn’t there! Then i make myself understand that its okay there are times when people do have some priority other than me in their life! And at times they cant be there not by their choice but sometimes they are helpless too. So I try to make myself strong and talk sense into me actually talk positive things into me but when he isn’t around nothing goes in my head and thats what the whole problem is! I know am being a jerk here! Its insane but i am insane! I want someone to hold me when am down and out..to talk sense into me when am all messed up..hold my hand till the end of the time! But isn’t that what all of us want?

Dekha..am so messed up even now! God knows what am blabbering here! This is what insanity does to you! Am i even making sense? Or have I just lost the tiniest bit of sense in me? I think i should stop saying anything.. but then i only speak here.. that’s why the blog is mentioned *The Idiot Talk*!! And am the worst idiot on this planet *Earth*!!!!!!!

Time has come and gone...

Now that the beautiful time has gone all i have is memories left.. those memories that made my life worthwhile..those memories which fills my heart with happiness and joy..wishing for all of those to come back. Unfortunately they wont.. 

You came in my life as a perfect stranger..a stranger i never saw before. But there you were standing in front of me looking at me with a question in your eyes. None of us knew what would be the next step as all we were doing was looking at each other assuming things on our own and fighting for answers within us. It was until i spoke to you..got familiar with you that we came to know each other that too formally! :P

But with the end of the day both of us knew something was there..there was this click between us..that connection.. ahh..i wish i could describe it...that feeling is more than words can ever describe.. anyway moving on.. soon a time came when we started knowing each other.. the sweet “hello” and “heyie” which we exchanged i replayed that scene so many times in my head..and kept smiling....

Who knew those sweet little introductory will get us here..where now we both know what we are for each other..anyway i am fast forwarding i guess.. :P yeah so where were we? Yeah! The “hello” and “heyie”(Thats what i replied i love saying heyie don’t know why)! Which replayed in my head the whole day..soon a step taken further..got to know each other.. became friends..and not “just ordinary friends” we became “besties”  aaaand enjoyed each other’s companionship to the fullest..to the biggest fights aand to the biggest laughter laughed..acting stupid..dreaming of things that wish would have happened and made some of them true..  we were together all along.. all those things made it so worthwhile that even today when i look back i cherish those moments so much...praying and hoping to god for more of those days...

Those little things we did for each other..those sweet little smile for nothing..and the warm hugs that we shared was one of the bestest feeling in this world..when you know even if no one is around..your best friend will always be there no matter what! Although they don’t show it but they do mean alot.. :)

And life as we know it..if it gives you happiness..joy..sorrows aren’t that far behind as they follow each other always.. so with the happiness gone for a while now..and as the sorrow and as “little low days” set in all i would love to do is go back to those memories...replay them as much as i can and relive them till this time passes... and i hope everything becomes as it was..because without you am really so dull and low! Hope you would understand though i know you would never come to know about this..! :(

Behind my Smile is everything you'll never understand..

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.I didn't want to admit it.It was easier to lie.
Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry..

Love... A Curse Or A Blessing...

Sometimes LOVE is what you never want!
Love is something everyone wishes for...they say to love and to be loved is kind of a very blessed feeling and not everyone is fortunate enough to be blessed with that! To have someone whom you can call your **own** is something not everyone has. Those who have are according to me the luckiest and the best people in the world. For me love is a very pure and a divine feeling which you feel for that someone special... but is it necessary that all of us get our **someone special**? They say everyone has their soul mates..and they do meet eventually! Well..if that’s true then why are people still suffering because of love? This question always crosses my mind somewhere or the other because people are dying for true love those who don’t deserve it get the best of everything..and the one who deserves it gets just emptiness in return...why?

Sometimes love is a blessing and sometimes a curse.. and for people like myself i think its a curse because what i always desire for is what i never get. Still to accept and to live with it is kind of my habit but today as i pen down my thoughts on it i feel I have been putting off lots of work because of this four letter word.. its truly said Love either destroys you..or makes you! And in my case i think it has destroyed me..my belief in almost everything. I understand that everything happens for a reason..but till when will i fool myself with this foolish statement? The truth is some people are damn lucky to have such pure and gentle human being in their lives and some people are just NOT! They might have everything to fulfil their needs but LOVE is something not everybody gets it. All of us fall in love.. but the question is how many of them will really last?

Its truly said a bitter experience really makes a man taste sour in almost about everything..and after all whatever has been happening around me..with me.. i a hopeless romantic really doesn’t believe in this word LOVE.. which is why now i think arrange marriages are the best marriages.. Atleast the *love* word doesn’t have such a big value in it.. Though , eventually it does come in later..but at a stage where both of them know what they are..who they are and with an assurity that they’ll cope up with everything in life with each other’s support and care. But somewhere or the other its going to be a compromise.. and i think my life’s going to be a compromise from now on.

A Friendship So Surreal...!

As the first post in “THE IDIOT TALK” I dedicate this to someone special without whom nothing would have been possible…

I wonder what would be my life without her. Without anyone to scold me on my silly and stupid mistakes. Without that special love and care and that amazing understanding when it comes to understand me and my weird thoughts! Without those special warm hugs which calms me down when I am hyper. And those simple hugs for just nothing!

I picture my life without her and m nowhere. Because this so very special friend of mine completes every picture of my life. Her presence is felt in my life each day. Though I never tell her but only I know how lucky I am to have her in my life!! She was my first friend I made in kindergarten and even today she is the only one whom I trust blindly…

Our first meeting was something I can never forget as we were friends straight away.

This sweet angel took my heart away the very first day she met me. I still remember I couldn’t spell her name right. Never. As after my first day in school when my parents asked me about my friend I never got her name right! Lol. She will kill me for this because she doesn’t know this either. Our sweet friendship took toll from the very first day itself and blossomed into a pretty flower until a thorn came in between. That thorn broke us apart and me as I was the weaker one succumbed to the thorn. I knew I was hurting my sweet friend but I couldn’t do much about it as that thorn took me in its sweetness and everything fake. And I a lil kid just don’t know what to do moved on believing that the thorn is also nice. It will not hurt me and soon there was a bonding with it. A bonding which kept me away from my special friend. Today when I think of it I feel so angry at myself for doing such a thing for hurting her for not working with my brain but well I know I don’t have one that’s why this blog is specially titled “the idiot talk”. Well to add to my defense I was just a lil kid what can u expect?

Soon the days passed by and the kindergarten days were over. We were over with the junior school and were in the middle school when we actually came in touch again. I was so happy to be with her again. It was like the best days of my life in school. Soon the one that took me away became great friends and I thought well the worse is over. We three will be friends forever. But as we all know what we think never happens as god has different plans for all of us. Once again we were separated but the friendship was still there. She was there for me always and vice versa. The bond didn’t break rather we didn’t let it break. I knew it would take time to strengthen this bond again and I was well prepared for it.

Senior school was the turning point of our lives. Finally I woke up from my dream and saw what the world was like. I came to terms with reality that time when I saw it with my eyes how people use you and then throw you. I was all alone and it was then when my special angel held my hand. And promised me that she will never leave this hand ever. The last year in school was hell for me but with her beside me I was all ready to face all my problems and challenges.

She was the one who held my hand when no one was there. She wiped my tears and taught me how to smile in the most difficult situations. She was the one who wrote my troubles in the sand and washed them away with an open hand.

Though I never say it to her this poem is just for her. And I know that after this she is really going to scold me for thanking and stuff as I am her lil baby who she never want to hear thanks from. But today I have to do this for everything you did for me. I love you so much.

You're the one who makes me strong,
You give me the strength to carry on,
When things got tough you were there,
You were the one, the one who cared.

You showed me compassion when i thought all love was dead,
You kept me sane inside my own head.

When other people had given up,
You were the one that held me up.

You wrote my troubles in the sand,
And washed them away with an open hand.


For all the times you pulled me through,
I have just got to say Thank You!!

She held my hand that day and till today we are together and will be always .

Cos I know she will never leave me alone.

Finally I would end this post by defining what she is for me….

She is someone who scolds like a dad, loves like a mother, teases me as a brother, fights with me as a sister and most of all is with me every second of our lives. We may not meet each other often but just a sms or a call is sufficient enough to be there.

She is someone who is not always with me in my happy times but is always there when I am sad. She is someone for who only my happiness matters. She showed me the way to live always with a bright smile on your face.

You really don’t know how I lucky I am to have you in my life. Thank you so much for everything saumya. I love you and will always do. And I’m always with you never forget that.