Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

And so the dreaded week came and i was found to be... LOST! Yeah..the first week really gave me the feeling of being so lost.. was totally out of my senses..didnt know what to do..whom to speak..what to speak.. I know am mature enough to act in a way as I have stepped in the last stage but somehow it wasn’t going inside me and all my heart was asking “where the hell are you..get back home asap”. Anyway had to fight within myself as whatever it is I have to spend 2 years here better get used to it and if am not fine adjusting to it well I really cant do anything about it rather than cribbing which I have developed as a habit of late!! (i know its bad )

Anyway moving on to the you know the first week was dreadful and as i had expected the second week would be the same until god really smiled on me i suppose.. because whatever happens for a reason and i truly believe in it. So the second week was a shock to me when people actually started coming up to me for interaction it sort of felt nice but all the same I was missing my previous college friends..and stuff! So it was a bit difficult but then with the support of everyone I think I made a place there and since the second week its been good but I do have my horrible mood swings when i just want to run away to my old memories.. Haha! I remember once in class I started daydreaming about my previous college life and all i was imagining was they’ve managed to come here in my class and we all are having a gala time.. (and yeah that can never happen ) though the dream was superb until the lecturer snapped me out of my supposedly daydreaming and asked me a question i couldn’t relate to!!! But then I did escape that moment ofcourse with the help of my batchmates ..hehe.

Hmmm so after that life became monotonous..the same schedule and as nervous I was earlier I am still the same.. I’ll take time to adjust really.. other than that life’s goin on.. its keeping me practically on my toes and well that’s nice because at one point of time I wanted all of this and God just answered my wishes so i shouldn’t complain..and well hey I don’t okay! Its just that am speaking my heart out right.. actually not even that.. m blabbering!!! :D And even bhagwanji knows that am so good at that!! Though I know am taking a long time updating it but what do I do this new shuffling in my life has literally made my world upside down!! But its okay because I know how to make it fine and with my people around me I think I’ll be able to survive it. And if not well then Bhagwanji hai na tang karne ke liye.. hehe :D

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

As I woke up to a beautiful lazy morning doing my regular chores a phone call with a letter changed my daily routine into a chaotic day worrying about the the future like hell. I knew it will happen, this day had to come and I should have been prepared for it mentally but as you know me am not that type.. i wished for some more time before starting this..before my life will take its final step. But well the time had come to lift my legs for the final step of my life..

It was my admission letter for postgraduate degree and I had to join it the coming week. The final step of my learning life as after 2 years I would be somewhere I don’t know yet! The first thought that came to my mind was will I be able to do it once again? Because honestly I am a person who is all pessimistic (by now you all know that) and as pessimism works it grilled me to its worst. I started thinking if I can escape this if there’s one single reason I can hide myself from this but alas there wasn’t! Life moves on..!! And with no hope of escaping it I went forward for this step. I was happy but at the same time nervous, scared and sad (full of mixed emotions) nervous for the fact of a new thing in my will it be..will I be able to do it? Scared for the fact that I know for one thing whatever mistakes I have committed in my life I’ve learnt alot from then..scared tht now is the stage where I shouldn’t commit a single mistake. And sad for the fact that I had to move on from one step to the other..abhi toh i started loving the life i had..was adjusting to it..improving it..and suddenly destiny is ready to give me my last and final step.. Normal people are happy to have a a new chapter begins in their life but well am I really normal?? I so *doubt* it!!

In simple words.. Everything in me was messed up like hell!!!

Okay so now my loved ones (as i love to call them that) came in and did their best to support I am a person who needs a push in almost everything. {Though my *someone special* disappeared somewhere and was nowhere to be seen unless the first day of my college began umm..guess m deviating from the topic..that’s another aspect to it but more on that later}

Hmm.. Well have been like that since I was born..Never really thought what freedom is without my loved ones. So with their support I started preparing myself for the coming week where I had to join.. and you know what? Am such a big coward (well yeah i am.. and am not ashamed to admit it) I feel scared of every damn thing.. All I want to do is run back home and return to my shell and hide as much as possible. Once again I had to start a fresh and final step of my life and the word *final* really gave me goosebumps!!

Finally the dreaded week came and I was found......*(to be continued)*

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Crystal Clear...

There are times when one’s so confused about what to do in future..whether to leave everything..every hope or just give it a try once more..whether to start from the scratch or move on and believe that it happened for a reason. One moment of your life you’re absolutely sure what to do and the other you just sit back and wonder why and what the hell am I doing? They say always to think before you act..think before you speak.. but there are times when you just want to do it without thinking it may be out of excitement or trusting your own guts but you do it. And sometimes the results are good and sometimes well worse than ever!!! To be honest am a person who relies on my gut feeling or to say intuition on anything. What I think is what I do but at times I do commit mistakes and then repent the hard way. Sometimes nothing is crystal clear..but then is life really tht clear? Just when you know everythings perfect something or the other will come and ruin it and you’ll have to mend it even with no fault of yours.. or maybe even if you’re at fault its blowed out of proportion!

At times it happens whom you love the most is hurt by your actions..and even though you try to make it right it wont appear right to them anymore!! And thats right even..because at the first place you did hurt them didn’t you? Then why do you expect them to forget it and be normal with it..yes everyone does mistakes but you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes and not repeat in future..but as the *worst idiot* I consider myself sometimes I don’t learn from my mistakes..!! Sometimes my mind stops working (though it dsnt work itna zyada bhi but jitna karta i rely on it utna) and I really mess up things and then complain and pray to god to solve it! Rather than facing them myself I try to hide and escape it and think that this period will be over..what I don’t get is that till the time I don’t face it myself it wont get over!!! Well this post is just talk some sense into me when am wrong which is sometimes now (yes it has reduced to sometimes bcos i have grown a bit i think :P). Just a post to say SORRY to all my loved ones whom I’ve hurt unfortunately. Though this post had to to be posted little while ago but I got late as little shuffling has happened in my life which am not LIKING IT! More on that later... :)