Monday, March 5, 2018


Its been a long time since I have poured my heart out here…a lot has happened all this while.. and when I say a is A LOT!
I had given up writing because I couldn’t think straight, but here I am trying to de-clutter my brain once again by doing the best thing I do… and that’s this!

Expressing comes easy to me but only in written form..I suck at expressing verbally.
Anyway, the point of writing this today is because all this while I could talk a lot of positivity in me through various ways be it quotes or songs or finding little happiness in little things..
And now I can’t… I just can’t..
I don’t talk much to people because I don’t know what to say, if it’s the right person to say things to or not… the thing is I feel suffocated now..
I don’t know who to tell things to without that person judging me...and no doubt I have the best family who has my back always but I just feel If I tell them how I am, what I feel..they will only be troubled more…
The thing is..
I have had my share of tears & emptiness,
I have had my share of compromises & sacrifices…
I have transformed from a spoilt brat to a person who does everything today but I still am at the losing end. As I pen down my thoughts here, there’s another tear trickling down my cheek. 
I know everyone has struggles but honestly I can’t take it anymore. 
                                                                                               To be continued....

Thursday, February 28, 2013

A Special Blessing.. .

My life took a turn when I entered the last step of my life as you know with all the major shuffling happening in my life since then.. There was one special blessing which i was blessed with which obviously I was unaware of until NOW...

Okay I don’t know where to start from...  whenever I picture you... Just a thought about you brings a smile on my face and also that demented laugh of urs: P so you know what you are to me:P... (p.s. love that smile you’re having now while reading this..

It’s quite funny actually how we never even acknowledged each other irrespective of being in the same class and having exactly the same opinion about each other (which was wrong ok! :P) I mean if I go back to that day 2 years back..It’s so hilarious what we were and what we have turned out to be... :P and let me tell you this today that no regrets J what happened had to happen to make our bond strong and it did indeed..
Today I can’t imagine my life without you.. i mean you are one piece of my life if I lose it my life would be a complete maze.. You are a piece that god designed to fit in my puzzle (life) and only mine mind you: P.. (you know what i mean :P)

I never knew I would actually have someone so close to me after a very long time... I never thought that place in my life can be taken by someone else again... I never thought someone would understand me that well again... I was living my life closing that part of me and never revealing that to anyone.. But you came along.. (My little angel) and just as angels make everything perfect.. You did the same.. Yes SUD you really did that!  I know I have never said all this or hey wait maybe I have :P but I bet you don’t remember them as clearly as I am saying it today :P (and we both know the reason WHY! :P)

Anyway, moving on who knew we would turn out to be this way one day: P but we did and am glad this happened... i am thankful to that wonderful (9th October 2011) night which has made us what we are today together  (touchwood)!! 

I don’t know about you but bhagwanji really blessed me when he gave me you in my life.. my bestest friend all I wanna say is and i know you know favourite line to you .. “mere dil ki yeh dua hai kahin durr tu na jaaye..tere bina ho jeena woh din kabhi naa aaye”  :) :) 

And yeah right now you must be soooo pissed with me because its your birthday and I haven’t wished :P but it’s okay because after reading this i don’t think you’ll be pissed.. :) 

You’re the bestest friend anyone could ever have! You put sense into me when I go completely insane (which happens most of the time :P) and jab tak i don’t hear “kumar please don’t do drama ok” from you i really don’t get back to my senses :P .. You’ve supported me every time and times am also at fault and knowing that also you support me in front of others..woh alag baat hai baad mein meri class lagati ho :P and to be honest i love that! that cutest tone of urs when I apologise and you say with full on attitude “yea its ok” :P deep inside you are smiling but bina attitude ke do u ever do anything? :P but you are one person I have no objections when you give me attitude...because I love yooouuuu soooo muuchhh... and you already know what I can do for you... and excuse me mere bas ki sab kuch hai ok :P (and I proved it that day :P) ..  you’re my strength..and my teacher as well :P you know what you’ve taught me ok :P and my support system irrespective of the fact that am right or wrong.. One thing am sure of is no matter what happens you’ll always be on my side and I know u will don’t show it but I know it :P aaand jitna u cover up naa your feelings and everything with your attitude...I know it all ok! and you also know that :P ..

Okay I have never said this but yeah I really admire you for your undying understanding nature.. I mean seriously Sud.. even am not that understanding and maybe after having you in my life I have become more understanding towards but seriously hats off to your UNDYING UNDERSTANDING NATURE MY GUNDII :P .. hahah you really thought ill miss this here? :P

Am just going through all our pictures..videos.. oh my god sud what a drama we r! But the best moments of our lives ever... oh wait a better way to say it.... time spent with you is always..... LEGEND---wait-for-it----DARY! :P  now please don’t give me that expression of “uff ankita” :P because you knew this had to come :P

And I also remember our fights :P which I don’t think has ever affected our bond in anyway.. no matter how many arguments we may have..I have seen one thing in us.. it doesn’t really effect our bond in anyway.. because we know whatever happens we stay united and thats what makes our bond special...

Thanking Amity only for one sole reason and that is YOU... 

GARIMA SUD  = a gem of a angel for me who is sooo pure at heart..straightforward and would never intentionally hurt a soul, selfless (yup u are.. i proved u that day :P) and hey also mental! (cant forget your demented wali laugh :P and i do it so nice baby :P ) a complete idiot ... arrogant bitch! :P yeah u read that right... :P aaaand a full on drama house :P .. but a friend everyone must have!

 Sticking through the toughest times and dancing in my happiness is what is called a true friend and that is what YOU ARE!

Cant ever forget that unconditional support from you...that belief when I had lost every inch of hope it was only you who kept saying all will be fine.. Knowing everything which wasn’t in favour still giving me blind hope...  aand in the end you won darling..even bhagwanji had to listen naaa...because he also knows what a pure soul you are! Love you all the more for everything SUD!

 And oye.. ill always be with you forever n ever..and can do anything for you my bitch :P J and please not that dialogue again ok :P

Love you lots baby! May god bless you with everything you wish for! 

If I believe in friendship today... its only because of you girl! Thank you for being with me and giving me the best gift of my life... OUR FRIENDSHIP...CHEERS!


Sunday, December 25, 2011

From the bottom of my Broken Heart!

With the year 2011 almost ending now...alot of chapters of my life have come to an end as well or so I believe... 2011 brought me tears of joy and sorrows as well...And sorrows that I could never even imagine in my life..

The biggest of the biggest changes happened within fraction of seconds without even letting me adjust to the current state I was in... Is really life like that? Or am I just getting punished for nothing?

Well really...Can’t answer that! No one knows except someone who is happily watching from above... Enjoying what life’s doing to me!

When this year began, I actually had no idea how it would change.. And it changed for better...Brought me happiness...the best I could get! But as every good thing has to end... this also did!! Left me in the grave!!

Agar yehi hona tha toh why the hell did it even happen? I kept thinking destiny is really amazing...Playing its me everything I want! Suddenly a volcano erupts and what happens? Huh! Gives something...and takes back as soon as it can have that back!

If this is what is life’s nature.. Honestly I don’t want it! I don’t want this life! It’s better to go than to just be played by destiny or life! Oh whatever!

Never thought would say all this for this year in particular because no doubt it has given me biggest happiness of my life...I’ll always cherish them deep in my heart..Because it happened! But why does it have to end and that to without any fault of mine? Thought this would be the best year of my life..changing my life forever for the best.. but whatever! have nothing to say on it!!!

Some times I feel maybe am seriously so imperfect so complicated that happiness just comes to me...Knocks on my doorstep and just as I open the door it goes away! Vanishes! As if it wasn’t ever there! As if it knocked on the wrong door!

6 days to go for the new dreams... And all i am left is with scars and wounds that would never heal!
Yeah i know time heals everything phenomenon but really does it? Do you forget the ones who are dead...who aren’t there in your life anymore... no right? Somewhere or the other they are still with you... you miss them...their absence affects you... but that part of you will never accept that you miss them and you are still hurt!

Yeah our helplessness leads us to this..and to console ourselves we say time will heal these wounds and stuff! But does it really? Don’t you miss what once was yours? And now it’s taken back from you by destiny or god or life just because they wanted it back! Oh Whatever! And after all this they say... you got to move on! Life goes on! Bullshit!

Yeah that’s how life works everyone says... but what’s life nature anyway? Why can’t people just live happily with what they love best! Why is it taken away from them? Why? And why people who are innocent always suffer? Why when you love something with your everything...decides to leave you just because it wants to!!

This year taught me so much that I don’t even have the eagerness to welcome the new year again! Same story will be repeated again!

Everything’s dead inside me now...

Friday, September 30, 2011


Well it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged! Yeaah have been busy..Really busy!! And lots of stuff has been happening in my life...something good something bad.. Well can i really term them as that? Because only god knows if it’s good or bad for me... m just a victim of these stupid emotions!! Umm well I am sounding weird am I not? Well let’s be honest.. I have become little weird... Really complicated... I mean the more I want life to be simple the more complicated it gets! And now it’s getting on my nerves!! It’s getting hard to cope up everyday.. Every time i make myself understand and get little adjusted to it...Something or the other would come up and rock my little invisible world like hell! I mean i know everyone goes through all this stuff and everyone has various ways to handle it! But now am certainly not able to handle anything! It’s getting worse..And am losing it all! On the little brighter side... Life’s great after the major shuffling... all seems good (well who can really say about the next 2 years) so right now it’s good.. And as it is god always keeps testing me god knows why with his little tests or maybe big ones which i don’t realise at times! Sometimes I feel I handle things well and sometimes i just mess it up which isn’t expected of me! But why? Can’t i mess up sometimes? Can’t someone just take my bullshit for nothing? I mean every person, every relation I know of on this planet earth has an expiry date? I mean come on!!! I don’t know what am blabbering about...You see that’s what it does to you when you don’t blog enough!!!! Arggh! M messed up completely...isn’t it? But then i have always been messed up! (Now am contradicting myself but then i clear my mess also...I make everything right) but this time its way beyond my control! Can’t reach there! Can’t solve the confusing puzzle god has given me in this test!! But then eventually maybe ill do it but that also depends on the one and only.. **God** Yeah am a firm believer in him... and in destiny! That’s why my questions are still unanswered! And that’s what drives me crazy when something happens out of order and Then eventually i adjust to it..And then what? Boom! That thing vanishes itself!! And am left hurt all over again!! And what now? Am clueless once again. I know life does that to everyone... but then I really think am being the one whose case is been taken all the amazing time god has to put me through hell... Just when am happy in my paradise..(Well i call it because even if am sad is still my paradise where once upon a time i was lil complicated eh? Well told you...Am complicated now) just when am sure of a life I would have... Damn! There goes god’s wand again and am back to level 0! I mean is that fair??? Yeah life’s not fair! But it isn’t that unfair!! Am just too complicated to be understood anymore.. There’s one part of me making me understand things in a practical way...and one which just wants what it wants! And for the first time I really can’t sort myself out... Maybe with time i would be able to... but then till when will I be able to console myself with this ridiculous thought of mine???

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

And so the dreaded week came and i was found to be... LOST! Yeah..the first week really gave me the feeling of being so lost.. was totally out of my senses..didnt know what to do..whom to speak..what to speak.. I know am mature enough to act in a way as I have stepped in the last stage but somehow it wasn’t going inside me and all my heart was asking “where the hell are you..get back home asap”. Anyway had to fight within myself as whatever it is I have to spend 2 years here better get used to it and if am not fine adjusting to it well I really cant do anything about it rather than cribbing which I have developed as a habit of late!! (i know its bad )

Anyway moving on to the you know the first week was dreadful and as i had expected the second week would be the same until god really smiled on me i suppose.. because whatever happens for a reason and i truly believe in it. So the second week was a shock to me when people actually started coming up to me for interaction it sort of felt nice but all the same I was missing my previous college friends..and stuff! So it was a bit difficult but then with the support of everyone I think I made a place there and since the second week its been good but I do have my horrible mood swings when i just want to run away to my old memories.. Haha! I remember once in class I started daydreaming about my previous college life and all i was imagining was they’ve managed to come here in my class and we all are having a gala time.. (and yeah that can never happen ) though the dream was superb until the lecturer snapped me out of my supposedly daydreaming and asked me a question i couldn’t relate to!!! But then I did escape that moment ofcourse with the help of my batchmates ..hehe.

Hmmm so after that life became monotonous..the same schedule and as nervous I was earlier I am still the same.. I’ll take time to adjust really.. other than that life’s goin on.. its keeping me practically on my toes and well that’s nice because at one point of time I wanted all of this and God just answered my wishes so i shouldn’t complain..and well hey I don’t okay! Its just that am speaking my heart out right.. actually not even that.. m blabbering!!! :D And even bhagwanji knows that am so good at that!! Though I know am taking a long time updating it but what do I do this new shuffling in my life has literally made my world upside down!! But its okay because I know how to make it fine and with my people around me I think I’ll be able to survive it. And if not well then Bhagwanji hai na tang karne ke liye.. hehe :D

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

As I woke up to a beautiful lazy morning doing my regular chores a phone call with a letter changed my daily routine into a chaotic day worrying about the the future like hell. I knew it will happen, this day had to come and I should have been prepared for it mentally but as you know me am not that type.. i wished for some more time before starting this..before my life will take its final step. But well the time had come to lift my legs for the final step of my life..

It was my admission letter for postgraduate degree and I had to join it the coming week. The final step of my learning life as after 2 years I would be somewhere I don’t know yet! The first thought that came to my mind was will I be able to do it once again? Because honestly I am a person who is all pessimistic (by now you all know that) and as pessimism works it grilled me to its worst. I started thinking if I can escape this if there’s one single reason I can hide myself from this but alas there wasn’t! Life moves on..!! And with no hope of escaping it I went forward for this step. I was happy but at the same time nervous, scared and sad (full of mixed emotions) nervous for the fact of a new thing in my will it be..will I be able to do it? Scared for the fact that I know for one thing whatever mistakes I have committed in my life I’ve learnt alot from then..scared tht now is the stage where I shouldn’t commit a single mistake. And sad for the fact that I had to move on from one step to the other..abhi toh i started loving the life i had..was adjusting to it..improving it..and suddenly destiny is ready to give me my last and final step.. Normal people are happy to have a a new chapter begins in their life but well am I really normal?? I so *doubt* it!!

In simple words.. Everything in me was messed up like hell!!!

Okay so now my loved ones (as i love to call them that) came in and did their best to support I am a person who needs a push in almost everything. {Though my *someone special* disappeared somewhere and was nowhere to be seen unless the first day of my college began umm..guess m deviating from the topic..that’s another aspect to it but more on that later}

Hmm.. Well have been like that since I was born..Never really thought what freedom is without my loved ones. So with their support I started preparing myself for the coming week where I had to join.. and you know what? Am such a big coward (well yeah i am.. and am not ashamed to admit it) I feel scared of every damn thing.. All I want to do is run back home and return to my shell and hide as much as possible. Once again I had to start a fresh and final step of my life and the word *final* really gave me goosebumps!!

Finally the dreaded week came and I was found......*(to be continued)*

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Crystal Clear...

There are times when one’s so confused about what to do in future..whether to leave everything..every hope or just give it a try once more..whether to start from the scratch or move on and believe that it happened for a reason. One moment of your life you’re absolutely sure what to do and the other you just sit back and wonder why and what the hell am I doing? They say always to think before you act..think before you speak.. but there are times when you just want to do it without thinking it may be out of excitement or trusting your own guts but you do it. And sometimes the results are good and sometimes well worse than ever!!! To be honest am a person who relies on my gut feeling or to say intuition on anything. What I think is what I do but at times I do commit mistakes and then repent the hard way. Sometimes nothing is crystal clear..but then is life really tht clear? Just when you know everythings perfect something or the other will come and ruin it and you’ll have to mend it even with no fault of yours.. or maybe even if you’re at fault its blowed out of proportion!

At times it happens whom you love the most is hurt by your actions..and even though you try to make it right it wont appear right to them anymore!! And thats right even..because at the first place you did hurt them didn’t you? Then why do you expect them to forget it and be normal with it..yes everyone does mistakes but you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes and not repeat in future..but as the *worst idiot* I consider myself sometimes I don’t learn from my mistakes..!! Sometimes my mind stops working (though it dsnt work itna zyada bhi but jitna karta i rely on it utna) and I really mess up things and then complain and pray to god to solve it! Rather than facing them myself I try to hide and escape it and think that this period will be over..what I don’t get is that till the time I don’t face it myself it wont get over!!! Well this post is just talk some sense into me when am wrong which is sometimes now (yes it has reduced to sometimes bcos i have grown a bit i think :P). Just a post to say SORRY to all my loved ones whom I’ve hurt unfortunately. Though this post had to to be posted little while ago but I got late as little shuffling has happened in my life which am not LIKING IT! More on that later... :)