From the bottom of my Broken Heart!

With the year 2011 almost ending now...alot of chapters of my life have come to an end as well or so I believe... 2011 brought me tears of joy and sorrows as well...And sorrows that I could never even imagine in my life..

The biggest of the biggest changes happened within fraction of seconds without even letting me adjust to the current state I was in... Is really life like that? Or am I just getting punished for nothing?

Well really...Can’t answer that! No one knows except someone who is happily watching from above... Enjoying what life’s doing to me!

When this year began, I actually had no idea how it would change.. And it changed for better...Brought me happiness...the best I could get! But as every good thing has to end... this also did!! Left me in the grave!!

Agar yehi hona tha toh why the hell did it even happen? I kept thinking destiny is really amazing...Playing its part...giving me everything I want! Suddenly a volcano erupts and what happens? Huh! Gives something...and takes back as soon as it can have that back!

If this is what is life’s nature.. Honestly I don’t want it! I don’t want this life! It’s better to go than to just be played by destiny or life! Oh whatever!

Never thought would say all this for this year in particular because no doubt it has given me biggest happiness of my life...I’ll always cherish them deep in my heart..Because it happened! But why does it have to end and that to without any fault of mine? Thought this would be the best year of my life..changing my life forever for the best.. but whatever! have nothing to say on it!!!

Some times I feel maybe am seriously so imperfect so complicated that happiness just comes to me...Knocks on my doorstep and just as I open the door it goes away! Vanishes! As if it wasn’t ever there! As if it knocked on the wrong door!

6 days to go for the new year...new hopes...new dreams... And all i am left is with scars and wounds that would never heal!
Yeah i know time heals everything phenomenon but really does it? Do you forget the ones who are dead...who aren’t there in your life anymore... no right? Somewhere or the other they are still with you... you miss them...their absence affects you... but that part of you will never accept that you miss them and you are still hurt!

Yeah our helplessness leads us to this..and to console ourselves we say time will heal these wounds and stuff! But does it really? Don’t you miss what once was yours? And now it’s taken back from you by destiny or god or life just because they wanted it back! Oh Whatever! And after all this they say... you got to move on! Life goes on! Bullshit!

Yeah that’s how life works everyone says... but what’s life nature anyway? Why can’t people just live happily with what they love best! Why is it taken away from them? Why? And why people who are innocent always suffer? Why when you love something with your everything...decides to leave you just because it wants to!!

This year taught me so much that I don’t even have the eagerness to welcome the new year again! Same story will be repeated again!

Everything’s dead inside me now...

Clueless...

Well it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged! Yeaah have been busy..Really busy!! And lots of stuff has been happening in my life...something good something bad.. Well can i really term them as that? Because only god knows if it’s good or bad for me... m just a victim of these stupid emotions!! Umm well I am sounding weird am I not? Well let’s be honest.. I have become little weird... Really complicated... I mean the more I want life to be simple the more complicated it gets! And now it’s getting on my nerves!! It’s getting hard to cope up everyday.. Every time i make myself understand and get little adjusted to it...Something or the other would come up and rock my little invisible world like hell! I mean i know everyone goes through all this stuff and everyone has various ways to handle it! But now am certainly not able to handle anything! It’s getting worse..And am losing it all! On the little brighter side... Life’s great after the major shuffling... all seems good (well who can really say about the next 2 years) so right now it’s good.. And as it is god always keeps testing me god knows why with his little tests or maybe big ones which i don’t realise at times! Sometimes I feel I handle things well and sometimes i just mess it up which isn’t expected of me! But why? Can’t i mess up sometimes? Can’t someone just take my bullshit for nothing? I mean every person, every relation I know of on this planet earth has an expiry date? I mean come on!!! I don’t know what am blabbering about...You see that’s what it does to you when you don’t blog enough!!!! Arggh! M messed up completely...isn’t it? But then i have always been messed up! (Now am contradicting myself but then i clear my mess also...I make everything right) but this time its way beyond my control! Can’t reach there! Can’t solve the confusing puzzle god has given me in this test!! But then eventually maybe ill do it but that also depends on the one and only.. **God** Yeah am a firm believer in him... and in destiny! That’s why my questions are still unanswered! And that’s what drives me crazy when something happens out of order and Then eventually i adjust to it..And then what? Boom! That thing vanishes itself!! And am left hurt all over again!! And what now? Am clueless once again. I know life does that to everyone... but then I really think am being the one whose case is been taken all the amazing time god has to put me through hell... Just when am happy in my paradise..(Well i call it because even if am sad here...it is still my paradise where once upon a time i was happy...so... lil complicated eh? Well told you...Am complicated now) just when am sure of a life I would have... Damn! There goes god’s wand again and am back to level 0! I mean is that fair??? Yeah life’s not fair! But it isn’t that unfair!! Am just too complicated to be understood anymore.. There’s one part of me making me understand things in a practical way...and one which just wants what it wants! And for the first time I really can’t sort myself out... Maybe with time i would be able to... but then till when will I be able to console myself with this ridiculous thought of mine???

The Last Step..

(*Continued*)
19th July 2011

And so the dreaded week came and i was found to be... LOST! Yeah..the first week really gave me the feeling of being so lost.. was totally out of my senses..didnt know what to do..whom to speak..what to speak.. I know am mature enough to act in a way as I have stepped in the last stage but somehow it wasn’t going inside me and all my heart was asking “where the hell are you..get back home asap”. Anyway had to fight within myself as whatever it is I have to spend 2 years here now..so better get used to it and if am not fine adjusting to it well I really cant do anything about it rather than cribbing which I have developed as a habit of late!! (i know its bad )

Anyway moving on to the week..as you know the first week was dreadful and as i had expected the second week would be the same until god really smiled on me i suppose.. because whatever happens for a reason and i truly believe in it. So the second week was a shock to me when people actually started coming up to me for interaction it sort of felt nice but all the same I was missing my previous college friends..and stuff! So it was a bit difficult but then with the support of everyone I think I made a place there and since the second week its been good but I do have my horrible mood swings when i just want to run away to my old memories.. Haha! I remember once in class I started daydreaming about my previous college life and all i was imagining was they’ve managed to come here in my class and we all are having a gala time.. (and yeah that can never happen ) though the dream was superb until the lecturer snapped me out of my supposedly daydreaming and asked me a question i couldn’t relate to!!! But then I did escape that moment ofcourse with the help of my batchmates ..hehe.

Hmmm so after that life became monotonous..the same schedule and as nervous I was earlier I am still the same.. I’ll take time to adjust really.. other than that life’s goin on.. its keeping me practically on my toes and well that’s nice because at one point of time I wanted all of this and God just answered my wishes so i shouldn’t complain..and well hey I don’t okay! Its just that am speaking my heart out right.. actually not even that.. m blabbering!!! :D And even bhagwanji knows that am so good at that!! Though I know am taking a long time updating it but what do I do this new shuffling in my life has literally made my world upside down!! But its okay because I know how to make it fine and with my people around me I think I’ll be able to survive it. And if not well then Bhagwanji hai na tang karne ke liye.. hehe :D

The Last Step..

19th July 2011

As I woke up to a beautiful lazy morning doing my regular chores a phone call with a letter changed my daily routine into a chaotic day worrying about the the future like hell. I knew it will happen, this day had to come and I should have been prepared for it mentally but as you know me am not that type.. i wished for some more time before starting this..before my life will take its final step. But well the time had come to lift my legs for the final step of my life..

It was my admission letter for postgraduate degree and I had to join it the coming week. The final step of my learning life as after 2 years I would be somewhere I don’t know yet! The first thought that came to my mind was will I be able to do it once again? Because honestly I am a person who is all pessimistic (by now you all know that) and as pessimism works it grilled me to its worst. I started thinking if I can escape this if there’s one single reason I can hide myself from this but alas there wasn’t! Life moves on..!! And with no hope of escaping it I went forward for this step. I was happy but at the same time nervous, scared and sad (full of mixed emotions) nervous for the fact of a new thing in my life..how will it be..will I be able to do it? Scared for the fact that I know for one thing whatever mistakes I have committed in my life I’ve learnt alot from then..scared tht now is the stage where I shouldn’t commit a single mistake. And sad for the fact that I had to move on from one step to the other..abhi toh i started loving the life i had..was adjusting to it..improving it..and suddenly destiny is ready to give me my last and final step.. Normal people are happy to have a beginning..as a new chapter begins in their life but well am I really normal?? I so *doubt* it!!

In simple words.. Everything in me was messed up like hell!!!

Okay so now my loved ones (as i love to call them that) came in and did their best to support me...as I am a person who needs a push in almost everything. {Though my *someone special* disappeared somewhere and was nowhere to be seen unless the first day of my college began umm..guess m deviating from the topic..that’s another aspect to it but more on that later}

Hmm.. Well have been like that since I was born..Never really thought what freedom is without my loved ones. So with their support I started preparing myself for the coming week where I had to join.. and you know what? Am such a big coward (well yeah i am.. and am not ashamed to admit it) I feel scared of every damn thing.. All I want to do is run back home and return to my shell and hide as much as possible. Once again I had to start a fresh and final step of my life and the word *final* really gave me goosebumps!!

Finally the dreaded week came and I was found......*(to be continued)*

Crystal Clear...

There are times when one’s so confused about what to do in future..whether to leave everything..every hope or just give it a try once more..whether to start from the scratch or move on and believe that it happened for a reason. One moment of your life you’re absolutely sure what to do and the other you just sit back and wonder why and what the hell am I doing? They say always to think before you act..think before you speak.. but there are times when you just want to do it without thinking it may be out of excitement or trusting your own guts but you do it. And sometimes the results are good and sometimes well worse than ever!!! To be honest am a person who relies on my gut feeling or to say intuition on anything. What I think is what I do but at times I do commit mistakes and then repent the hard way. Sometimes nothing is crystal clear..but then is life really tht clear? Just when you know everythings perfect something or the other will come and ruin it and you’ll have to mend it even with no fault of yours.. or maybe even if you’re at fault its blowed out of proportion!

At times it happens whom you love the most is hurt by your actions..and even though you try to make it right it wont appear right to them anymore!! And thats right even..because at the first place you did hurt them didn’t you? Then why do you expect them to forget it and be normal with it..yes everyone does mistakes but you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes and not repeat in future..but as the *worst idiot* I consider myself sometimes I don’t learn from my mistakes..!! Sometimes my mind stops working (though it dsnt work itna zyada bhi but jitna karta i rely on it utna) and I really mess up things and then complain and pray to god to solve it! Rather than facing them myself I try to hide and escape it and think that this period will be over..what I don’t get is that till the time I don’t face it myself it wont get over!!! Well this post is just talk some sense into me when am wrong which is sometimes now (yes it has reduced to sometimes bcos i have grown a bit i think :P). Just a post to say SORRY to all my loved ones whom I’ve hurt unfortunately. Though this post had to to be posted little while ago but I got late as little shuffling has happened in my life which am not LIKING IT! More on that later... :)

Lost...

Why is it in life when we need someone to understand us most of the time people who are close to us and from whom we expect always fail to do that! Why is it when we need them the most they just turn their back to us and expect us to understand their point of view even then when they aren’t making any sense. Why cant they treat people the way they are being treated with same affection love and care! Why? Is it so hard to understand the person who always stood by you , no matter what you do! Then what is the difference between that special one and others!! Everyone has a special someone who they rely on for almost everything. We would definitely be there when they need us no matter how it is what it is...but when we need them they are never there. Why? Or is it that people like me prioritize “special someone” and they don’t! They keep us just where they keep everyone else! Or is it that am the only one whose insane to do all this and still get nothing in return?

At times i wonder maybe i am the one whose wrong..i only think and prioritize people who don’t deserve it and thats the reason i get nothing in return just tears! Maybe somethings wrong with me..have been thinking alot of negative things these days.. staying happy is something i have to pretend because honestly i am not what i was earlier. Its strange to see me this way for myself but what do i do? I keep quiet because am not the one whose going to burst into tears in front of everyone , not the one who would bluntly tell people if they hurt me or something. All my life i have been this quiet and calm and composed girl (though little bit of chatterbox u can consider me because if am in the mood and with my favourite people i can really go on n on n on) but nowadays it doesn’t seem like that. I am more into myself thinking all weird things that come in my mind..(basically they are all negative things) and then just be so dull and silent and not to forget i have turned CYNICAL!!

I would be positive and vibrant for people around me because they matter to me! And i would never want them perturbed because of my silly stupid problems and insecurities! But then what do i do? This thing in me isn’t going (the dull and cynical me i mean) and am turning more negative day by day. And when i want to share it with someone.. well that someone isn’t there! Then i make myself understand that its okay there are times when people do have some priority other than me in their life! And at times they cant be there not by their choice but sometimes they are helpless too. So I try to make myself strong and talk sense into me actually talk positive things into me but when he isn’t around nothing goes in my head and thats what the whole problem is! I know am being a jerk here! Its insane but i am insane! I want someone to hold me when am down and out..to talk sense into me when am all messed up..hold my hand till the end of the time! But isn’t that what all of us want?

Dekha..am so messed up even now! God knows what am blabbering here! This is what insanity does to you! Am i even making sense? Or have I just lost the tiniest bit of sense in me? I think i should stop saying anything.. but then i only speak here.. that’s why the blog is mentioned *The Idiot Talk*!! And am the worst idiot on this planet *Earth*!!!!!!!

Time has come and gone...

Now that the beautiful time has gone all i have is memories left.. those memories that made my life worthwhile..those memories which fills my heart with happiness and joy..wishing for all of those to come back. Unfortunately they wont.. 

You came in my life as a perfect stranger..a stranger i never saw before. But there you were standing in front of me looking at me with a question in your eyes. None of us knew what would be the next step as all we were doing was looking at each other assuming things on our own and fighting for answers within us. It was until i spoke to you..got familiar with you that we came to know each other that too formally! :P

But with the end of the day both of us knew something was there..there was this click between us..that connection.. ahh..i wish i could describe it...that feeling is more than words can ever describe.. anyway moving on.. soon a time came when we started knowing each other.. the sweet “hello” and “heyie” which we exchanged i replayed that scene so many times in my head..and kept smiling....

Who knew those sweet little introductory will get us here..where now we both know what we are for each other..anyway i am fast forwarding i guess.. :P yeah so where were we? Yeah! The “hello” and “heyie”(Thats what i replied i love saying heyie don’t know why)! Which replayed in my head the whole day..soon a step taken further..got to know each other.. became friends..and not “just ordinary friends” we became “besties”  aaaand enjoyed each other’s companionship to the fullest..to the biggest fights aand to the biggest laughter laughed..acting stupid..dreaming of things that wish would have happened and made some of them true..  we were together all along.. all those things made it so worthwhile that even today when i look back i cherish those moments so much...praying and hoping to god for more of those days...

Those little things we did for each other..those sweet little smile for nothing..and the warm hugs that we shared was one of the bestest feeling in this world..when you know even if no one is around..your best friend will always be there no matter what! Although they don’t show it but they do mean alot.. :)

And life as we know it..if it gives you happiness..joy..sorrows aren’t that far behind as they follow each other always.. so with the happiness gone for a while now..and as the sorrow and as “little low days” set in all i would love to do is go back to those memories...replay them as much as i can and relive them till this time passes... and i hope everything becomes as it was..because without you am really so dull and low! Hope you would understand though i know you would never come to know about this..! :(

Behind my Smile is everything you'll never understand..

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.I didn't want to admit it.It was easier to lie.
Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry..

Love... A Curse Or A Blessing...

Sometimes LOVE is what you never want!
Love is something everyone wishes for...they say to love and to be loved is kind of a very blessed feeling and not everyone is fortunate enough to be blessed with that! To have someone whom you can call your **own** is something not everyone has. Those who have are according to me the luckiest and the best people in the world. For me love is a very pure and a divine feeling which you feel for that someone special... but is it necessary that all of us get our **someone special**? They say everyone has their soul mates..and they do meet eventually! Well..if that’s true then why are people still suffering because of love? This question always crosses my mind somewhere or the other because people are dying for true love those who don’t deserve it get the best of everything..and the one who deserves it gets just emptiness in return...why?

Sometimes love is a blessing and sometimes a curse.. and for people like myself i think its a curse because what i always desire for is what i never get. Still to accept and to live with it is kind of my habit but today as i pen down my thoughts on it i feel I have been putting off lots of work because of this four letter word.. its truly said Love either destroys you..or makes you! And in my case i think it has destroyed me..my belief in almost everything. I understand that everything happens for a reason..but till when will i fool myself with this foolish statement? The truth is some people are damn lucky to have such pure and gentle human being in their lives and some people are just NOT! They might have everything to fulfil their needs but LOVE is something not everybody gets it. All of us fall in love.. but the question is how many of them will really last?

Its truly said a bitter experience really makes a man taste sour in almost about everything..and after all whatever has been happening around me..with me.. i a hopeless romantic really doesn’t believe in this word LOVE.. which is why now i think arrange marriages are the best marriages.. Atleast the *love* word doesn’t have such a big value in it.. Though , eventually it does come in later..but at a stage where both of them know what they are..who they are and with an assurity that they’ll cope up with everything in life with each other’s support and care. But somewhere or the other its going to be a compromise.. and i think my life’s going to be a compromise from now on.