Lost...

Why is it in life when we need someone to understand us most of the time people who are close to us and from whom we expect always fail to do that! Why is it when we need them the most they just turn their back to us and expect us to understand their point of view even then when they aren’t making any sense. Why cant they treat people the way they are being treated with same affection love and care! Why? Is it so hard to understand the person who always stood by you , no matter what you do! Then what is the difference between that special one and others!! Everyone has a special someone who they rely on for almost everything. We would definitely be there when they need us no matter how it is what it is...but when we need them they are never there. Why? Or is it that people like me prioritize “special someone” and they don’t! They keep us just where they keep everyone else! Or is it that am the only one whose insane to do all this and still get nothing in return?

At times i wonder maybe i am the one whose wrong..i only think and prioritize people who don’t deserve it and thats the reason i get nothing in return just tears! Maybe somethings wrong with me..have been thinking alot of negative things these days.. staying happy is something i have to pretend because honestly i am not what i was earlier. Its strange to see me this way for myself but what do i do? I keep quiet because am not the one whose going to burst into tears in front of everyone , not the one who would bluntly tell people if they hurt me or something. All my life i have been this quiet and calm and composed girl (though little bit of chatterbox u can consider me because if am in the mood and with my favourite people i can really go on n on n on) but nowadays it doesn’t seem like that. I am more into myself thinking all weird things that come in my mind..(basically they are all negative things) and then just be so dull and silent and not to forget i have turned CYNICAL!!

I would be positive and vibrant for people around me because they matter to me! And i would never want them perturbed because of my silly stupid problems and insecurities! But then what do i do? This thing in me isn’t going (the dull and cynical me i mean) and am turning more negative day by day. And when i want to share it with someone.. well that someone isn’t there! Then i make myself understand that its okay there are times when people do have some priority other than me in their life! And at times they cant be there not by their choice but sometimes they are helpless too. So I try to make myself strong and talk sense into me actually talk positive things into me but when he isn’t around nothing goes in my head and thats what the whole problem is! I know am being a jerk here! Its insane but i am insane! I want someone to hold me when am down and out..to talk sense into me when am all messed up..hold my hand till the end of the time! But isn’t that what all of us want?

Dekha..am so messed up even now! God knows what am blabbering here! This is what insanity does to you! Am i even making sense? Or have I just lost the tiniest bit of sense in me? I think i should stop saying anything.. but then i only speak here.. that’s why the blog is mentioned *The Idiot Talk*!! And am the worst idiot on this planet *Earth*!!!!!!!

Time has come and gone...

Now that the beautiful time has gone all i have is memories left.. those memories that made my life worthwhile..those memories which fills my heart with happiness and joy..wishing for all of those to come back. Unfortunately they wont.. 

You came in my life as a perfect stranger..a stranger i never saw before. But there you were standing in front of me looking at me with a question in your eyes. None of us knew what would be the next step as all we were doing was looking at each other assuming things on our own and fighting for answers within us. It was until i spoke to you..got familiar with you that we came to know each other that too formally! :P

But with the end of the day both of us knew something was there..there was this click between us..that connection.. ahh..i wish i could describe it...that feeling is more than words can ever describe.. anyway moving on.. soon a time came when we started knowing each other.. the sweet “hello” and “heyie” which we exchanged i replayed that scene so many times in my head..and kept smiling....

Who knew those sweet little introductory will get us here..where now we both know what we are for each other..anyway i am fast forwarding i guess.. :P yeah so where were we? Yeah! The “hello” and “heyie”(Thats what i replied i love saying heyie don’t know why)! Which replayed in my head the whole day..soon a step taken further..got to know each other.. became friends..and not “just ordinary friends” we became “besties”  aaaand enjoyed each other’s companionship to the fullest..to the biggest fights aand to the biggest laughter laughed..acting stupid..dreaming of things that wish would have happened and made some of them true..  we were together all along.. all those things made it so worthwhile that even today when i look back i cherish those moments so much...praying and hoping to god for more of those days...

Those little things we did for each other..those sweet little smile for nothing..and the warm hugs that we shared was one of the bestest feeling in this world..when you know even if no one is around..your best friend will always be there no matter what! Although they don’t show it but they do mean alot.. :)

And life as we know it..if it gives you happiness..joy..sorrows aren’t that far behind as they follow each other always.. so with the happiness gone for a while now..and as the sorrow and as “little low days” set in all i would love to do is go back to those memories...replay them as much as i can and relive them till this time passes... and i hope everything becomes as it was..because without you am really so dull and low! Hope you would understand though i know you would never come to know about this..! :(

Behind my Smile is everything you'll never understand..

I just don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how can I be sure about anything? Most of the time I feel so awkward, you know, like I don't belong in my own skin, I get frustrated at everything, I could just scream and there's no reason for it, I just hate myself.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

Have you ever felt so alone and nothing makes sense? Well that's how I feel right now...I feel like I'm facing everything myself, with nothing but tears and a fake smile.I didn't want to admit it.It was easier to lie.
Hide the hurt and emptiness to smile instead of cry..

Love... A Curse Or A Blessing...

Sometimes LOVE is what you never want!
Love is something everyone wishes for...they say to love and to be loved is kind of a very blessed feeling and not everyone is fortunate enough to be blessed with that! To have someone whom you can call your **own** is something not everyone has. Those who have are according to me the luckiest and the best people in the world. For me love is a very pure and a divine feeling which you feel for that someone special... but is it necessary that all of us get our **someone special**? They say everyone has their soul mates..and they do meet eventually! Well..if that’s true then why are people still suffering because of love? This question always crosses my mind somewhere or the other because people are dying for true love those who don’t deserve it get the best of everything..and the one who deserves it gets just emptiness in return...why?

Sometimes love is a blessing and sometimes a curse.. and for people like myself i think its a curse because what i always desire for is what i never get. Still to accept and to live with it is kind of my habit but today as i pen down my thoughts on it i feel I have been putting off lots of work because of this four letter word.. its truly said Love either destroys you..or makes you! And in my case i think it has destroyed me..my belief in almost everything. I understand that everything happens for a reason..but till when will i fool myself with this foolish statement? The truth is some people are damn lucky to have such pure and gentle human being in their lives and some people are just NOT! They might have everything to fulfil their needs but LOVE is something not everybody gets it. All of us fall in love.. but the question is how many of them will really last?

Its truly said a bitter experience really makes a man taste sour in almost about everything..and after all whatever has been happening around me..with me.. i a hopeless romantic really doesn’t believe in this word LOVE.. which is why now i think arrange marriages are the best marriages.. Atleast the *love* word doesn’t have such a big value in it.. Though , eventually it does come in later..but at a stage where both of them know what they are..who they are and with an assurity that they’ll cope up with everything in life with each other’s support and care. But somewhere or the other its going to be a compromise.. and i think my life’s going to be a compromise from now on.